A True Story
Here we go again. Everything was going smooth. We had Chemistry, Biology, Physics. You name it, we had it. Roaming around in a scooty, with you driving and my hands on your waist, I could imagine us walking down the aisle. Or walking hand in hand around the fire. Whatever applied.
The fire of our love burned swift and bright just like a firecracker. It burst with the shine inside us but soon extinguished when the gunpowder of infatuation gave out.
This past year my heart did its best to justify getting into a relationship again, especially after so many failed ones. I struggled day after day; thinking whether or not to trust you. I took your hand even when my instincts told me to turn back and run for fifty kilometres non-stop. As usual, I ignored them against my better judgement because I’m so intelligent that way. My heart conveniently left out the fact that I was more or less a rebound after your last breakup. Guess that was a mistake.
Two months into our so-called relation you started acting up. The frequency of your ‘I love yous’ decreased, and that of ‘I don’t believe in love and relationships’ increased. The good morning and good night smileys gradually declined to nil, and your profile pictures with friends increased. The late night chats where I tried to cheer you up when you felt down and kissed you from 8000 kilometres away to hear your shrill yet charming laugh, vanished.
Every night you used to come to me, fed up with your consistent friends and not so consistent life traumas. You would give me a call at night, or every time you felt like for that matter. And like a smitten puppy, I obliged every time. I took you into my embrace guarding you against every pain. I considered you like my own blood and confided in you with a sad face and a weak smile whenever I gave up on the world around me.
The web of lies has returned. So have the in-your-face and clear-as-day lies.
You can see through them clearly, even though you wished you didn’t.
You are not fooled by them, even though you wished you were.
Then suddenly your emotions died down. The same childish jokes you loved became borderline tolerable, and the sweet queries about the day became obsessive behaviour. I tried my best to find out what was wrong. Everything was going haywire, yet you maintained that all was good, saying “these are just mood swings that I get.” I dismissed it as normal first. However, when your unfamiliar attitude and the unreturned calls prevailed the day, I, at last, realized what was happening.
Yeah, I am slow that way.
The scenario changed. The sneakaways stopped, and you started openly ignoring me. You stopped picking my calls, and your phone started showing busy late at night. And of course, you started getting more and more agitated with everything I said. The smooth chemistry gave way to silly mistakes and petty fights. The love started giving way to the impending hatred.
And I lost interest. I lost interest in pursuing yet another relationship to its demise. I have several skeletons in my closet and believe me when I say, I didn’t want to add one more to it. To be honest, I started getting out of it before I even realized it. It hurt in the beginning, yes, but it felt like I had become immune to these periodic heart breaks because this time I bounced back even faster. I started missing your calls on purpose. I didn’t do it out of spite. I did it only to ignore another hassle. I did it to avoid listening to another fictional story from your mouth. I did it to prevent another tarnish on my love. I had an image of you conjured in my mind. I didn’t want my suspicions and your lies to spoil that picture.
Most of all, I didn’t want another heartbreak.
Slowly but surely I had to accept the inevitable.
Five years ago I had given up on love and life both. But somehow I survived. I had given myself up for a rootless existence of meaningless relationships that I broke off on purpose because at the end of the day I knew I couldn’t trust anyone. Then you walked into my life. You willed me to trust again. For the better part of a year, I didn’t trust you and kept on piling excuses to stop talking to you. But you kept bringing me back from the brink. You slowly made your way into my heart. Only to break it.
You once said you didn’t want to get into a relationship because you feared I would eventually do to you what the other guy had. You tried to make me understand everything that was on your mind and I acted dumb, simply because I wanted you to speak. In reality, I knew everything that was on your mind, my love. I knew you were terrified beyond imagination and didn’t want to go through the same experience once again. As was your right. I accepted this part and still do with all my heart. Why do you think I stayed despite your daft behaviour?
I understood everything and still do. You thought I didn’t notice you being more and more showful in your ‘love’ for me when your ex-boyfriend was around. I acted like I didn’t notice it, but I did. I heard each and every word you spoke to him through me, and it cut deep like a knife. I listened to everything and understood everything but didn’t say anything. Maybe because I knew, just like me, you were doing everything in your power to bring back the one you loved. The funny thing is what he did to you, you did to me. I didn’t say anything because I understood you had to go through that phase to realize your heart lies with me, not with him. Or maybe I hoped I did. The important thing though, I understood why you were behaving the way you did.
I understood because the same thing had happened to me once. My heart had been broken just like you, and perhaps you were right all along. You should’ve been terrified. You were right to think about yourself. Just one thing you forgot my Isabella. I had the same fear. I had been burying that 5-year-old feeling beneath the hopes of love that you silently gave me. But slowly and steadily it kept rising like magma through the depths of my heart. Your constant lies and deceptions finally pumped it out as the volcano burst out.
The day you betrayed me –the day I was betrayed once again that is- I kept raising my hands in the air to no avail. See, I felt like something was going away from me. Something very dear. Something very close to my heart. I thought it was you, so I kept calling you. I just wanted to hear your voice, even if to hear your lies once again. I was ready to be engulfed in your illusions. But you didn’t pick up the phone. You were busy with a friend of yours, as you always are and always will be. I messaged you thinking you are sick or worse. My imagination gets the better of me in that way. What fool I had been.
I realized then that it was not you who was leaving me; it was love. It was love that was leaving me, and now that it has, I will always remember you. I will remember you as the last girl I ever loved. The last girl who crept her hand on to my heart, and gripped it. More importantly, I will remember you as the one who finally took love away from my me.
We had reached the final phase. So I decided to leave.
The final night I could see my future right in front of me. I realized you would leave as did she. And like always I would be left to pick up my pieces. I would just like to say I tried my best to make you realize I could heal you. I guess I forgot that two wrongs don’t make a right, and two heartbreaks don’t add up to a healed heart. I wanted to add the broken pieces of our heart and form a beautiful sculpture of love. But I was defeated by you. As I was defeated by her five years ago.
When I look back at it, I realize perhaps it was my mistake. I planned on going against all the odds, attempting to accept a person who was clearly not for me. I tried to impose the beautiful image I had of you in my mind on top of the real one that was right in front of me. But again how could I know? I have never been good at picking up signals when it came to my love. I go in with all guns blazing and end up being blinded by the swirl of fog created by my own heart.
Or perhaps it was nobody’s mistake. Maybe it was not our time. Maybe it was time we went our separate ways. I welcome another crack in my set heart. I hope this time I’ll finally learn my lesson. Or maybe this’ll be yet another excruciating but forgetful pain that will continue to pierce my heart. I fail to see however how this pain will save me from another similar situation in the future because for better or for worse I have become accustomed to it. I will carry it forward like I have the other ones.
Maybe I’ll finally find the one who I am searching for and who is searching for me. Or like all those times I will find another arrow in my heart. Until that encounter, however, I will roam around wearing my heart on my sleeve. I will continue to do so until I find the one who is destined for me.
Till then, just like old times. Cheers to yet another heartbreak.